The Family System in Substance Use Disorder: Sibling Support

The Family System in Substance Use Disorder: Sibling Support

A few of our Surfside families recently asked for guidance related to the entire family system, particularly siblings. There are endless resources for parents or partners of folks struggling with addiction, but siblings are often lost in the recovery process. The sibling relationship in the family system is significantly different than the parent-child relationship, and repairing this relationship takes time and energy. As parents, there can be a desire to get involved with/rush the healing process. But it’s not your responsibility to fix something that you didn’t break, as difficult as that may be.

This article will break down the strained nature of sibling relationships, the greater family dynamic, and actions that parents can take.

Siblings See What Parents Often Can’t

Surfside opened our doors in 2016, and we’ve seen so many different family dynamics along the way. Only children, guys who have lost a sibling, massive age differences between siblings, twins, triplets, Irish twins, adopted families, step-siblings, blended families, and multiracial families. We’ve seen families where siblings are incredibly close, and families where there has been violence or abuse between siblings. Why do we share this? Because no family system is perfect, unique, or totally baffling to us. What applies to one family may be a drastically different experience for another Surfside family.

One trend that we frequently notice is that siblings tend to see what their parents cannot, or don’t want to see. It’s really difficult for parents to navigate the dishonesty and storytelling that accompanies substance use. Parents often believe the story that their child weaves, even if the evidence reveals otherwise. Siblings, on the other hand, don’t share the same parental desire – they often can spot a lie from a mile away.

Interventionist Mike Wilson of East Point Recovery works with the entire family unit, and notes that siblings are often “fed up” long before parents are. His book “Loving Lions” (available here) unpacks much of the complex family dynamic. They become defensive and protective of their parents. Why? They’ve watched their parents fall victim to manipulation and are deeply disturbed. Each time their parents insist that “this is different,” they become more agitated, suspicious that their parents are going to be hurt again. In an effort to protect their parents from pain, they can be combative, direct, and doubtful of the recovery process.

Resentment in the Family Dynamic

No person appreciates being lied to. But for siblings, there’s another layer: they’re watching their parents suffer. We see a growing sense of resentment, because they are profoundly affected by watching their parents experience an emotional roller coaster. Our Program Director’s sisters often share that they’d beg their parents to see the facts in front of them, and would be heartbroken when their parents couldn’t.

When a person enters treatment, siblings are typically the most doubtful that it will be successful. They’re skeptical, because they know the dynamic that exists between their parents and brother. Parents want to believe what they’re told. Siblings want to see tangible proof.

The more that parents get involved with trying to resolve the tension between siblings, the more we deny their experience. This dynamic did not become strained overnight, and it’s important we don’t shut out their experience. Conversely, we need to find a balance and boundaries – we don’t need to be berated by our children about our parenting decisions.

Actions Speak Louder than Words

Let your son recover. Recovery is a journey, and the process takes time. Along the way, he will have the opportunity to truly change. If he embraces this, the opportunity will present itself for him to show up differently in your family.

One of our long-time employees read his brother’s family letter, which ended with an expletive. His brother expressed in writing that he wanted no relationship with him whatsoever. Six years later, this employee was the best man in his brother’s wedding. They have a beautiful relationship today. And he’s grateful that his brother told him to “F@%$ off.”

Don’t deprive your son of the opportunity to hear the truth about himself. Sometimes, being shown just how much pain we’ve caused is far more motivating than forgiving quickly and pretending everything is fine. If your son is at Surfside, it means you’ve probably been on the receiving end of some direct and difficult conversations – conversations that needed to happen so that you could change. Your son is not too fragile to understand the impact of his SUD on the family system.

Shifting the Center of Attention

Here’s the reality: the family unit revolves around the alcoholic/addict. When they’re struggling, it’s the center of everyone’s focus. Even if we’re not talking about it, it’s simmering beneath the surface of everything. When they’re doing well, we can’t stop talking about it. We talk about whether it will last, how different it is this time, how great or scary it feels, etc.

Imagine being his sibling. Your highs and lows often exist in the shadow of this mental illness that has hijacked the family. Whether or not this is reality, it’s a story that siblings begin to tell themselves. As parents, it’s equally important to shift the focus, even if it’s difficult. Ask about their day. Ask about their interests. Resist the urge to tell them how great (or terribly) their brother is doing.

“The Courage to Change the Things We Can”

You might hate this advice, since we sound like a broken record. You cannot change anyone but yourself, so the strained sibling dynamic is far beyond your control. What you can do is take care of yourself (mind, body and spirit) so that you can pause when agitated or doubtful. Rather than being a reactor, you can simply be an actor in your own life. How do we do that?

• Find a hobby. Any hobby. A daily walk, breathwork, gardening, pickleball, making music. Just like we tell your son, you don’t need to be good at it to experience joy!

• See a therapist who is a Licensed Clinical Drug & Alcohol Counselor. Yes, you. Not your child. You. A therapist with an understanding of trauma (because what you’ve been navigating is traumatic) is a plus.

• Regularly attend a family support group. Whether this is Al-Anon, Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, Adult Chlidren of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, or a BALM family support group, try a minimum of 5 meetings. (PS. We ask your son to do more than attend meetings in order to have an experience, so it’s worth considering that getting a sponsor & working the steps will be more impactful than just hitting a meeting)

• Offer a virtual family support group to your child, with no strings attached or expectation that they attend. Simply share the resource. Love in the Trenches offers an amazing sibling support group (as well as wonderful family support groups for parents!)