“Identify, Don’t Compare” – A Lesson for Young People and Parents

“Identify, Don’t Compare” – A Lesson for Young People and Parents

It’s a phrase we hear constantly in recovery: “Identify, don’t compare.” For families exploring substance use treatment for men, particularly young adults, there is a lot of fear about the other folks in the milieu.  As trends in substance use change and marijuana use is on the rise, sometimes families express concern that their child might be surrounded by more “hardcore” substance users.  In this article, we explore what it means to “identify, don’t compare.” This mindset isn’t just useful for the men in our care, but also for parents navigating this journey alongside them.

12-Step Literature and Stepwork

Most families reading this blog want to expand their understanding of Substance Use Disorders (SUD), Mental Health, and Surfside’s approach to care. They may understand their loved one will be involved in a 12-step fellowship like Alcoholics Anonymous, but don’t know what this stepwork actually entails. Doing the twelve steps and reading the twelve steps are two very different experiences.

The heart of AA’s stepwork is outlined in the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, written by co-founders Bill W. and Doctor Bob in the late 1930’s.  The first 164 pages of this text remain unchanged since the initial publication.  When Bill writes about his active addiction and journey to recovery, he talks about being a soldier in World War One and losing money during the Great Depression. Not exactly something that a 24 year old in 2025 has a lot of experience with…

So we ask our guys to “Identify, don’t compare.” How did I think, drink and act like Bill, even if my circumstances were different? What parts of Bill’s recovery journey appeal to me? Sure, Bill looks pretty different on paper. He was a failing stockbroker and chronic alcoholic. But when we set that information aside, we discover that we have a lot in common. We are able to see that our common problem has a common solution.

Setting Aside Our Differences

There’s a passage that we read in “There is a Solution” that describes the AA fellowship, saying:

We are people who normally would not mix. But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful.

At a time when our world is so divisive, politically charged, and lonely (read more about the loneliness epidemic here), this aspect of recovery is a true gift.  Our commonality with others provides immense comfort.

For participants in the Surfside approach, finding common ground with other men highlights the stories they repeatedly tell themselves. Participants reflect on some really important questions: Has telling myself that I am different (and therefore alone) actually served me in any capacity? Is this a story I insist on telling myself, even though it contributes to feelings of loneliness, self-pity, and low self-esteem?

For parents who attend our virtual family support group, learning to identify with others offers a sense of relief. We discover the Three C’s of addiction: we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it.  Though another family may be in a very different place on their journey, it often feels like we finally found the other people who “get it.”  We embrace how other families feel and are often grateful for their authenticity/vulnerability because we share similar emotions.

The bottom line here? It doesn’t serve our residents or their families to fear being around someone with a different lived experience. We are people who normally would not mix – and that’s a gift.