Tackling Loneliness in Men: Addiction, Connection and Friendship

As experts in men’s mental health and addiction recovery, we are painfully aware of the impact of loneliness in men. These days, we frequently hear talk of the “Loneliness Epidemic.”  The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory in 2023 highlights the healing effects of “social connection and community,” identifying trends, risks, recommendations and more. This report shared that loneliness impacts our lifespan and mortality. The toll on our physical health is similar to smoking 15+ cigarettes a day! As we explore addiction, connection and friendship, we take a close look at how we can dramatically reduce loneliness in men. 

What Exactly is the Surgeon General’s Advisory?

The Surgeon General’s Advisory is a pretty big deal, because it means it’s addressing an urgent public health issue.  The intention is to draw focus to a significant issue and present digestible solutions to the general public.  The information around the need for social connection comes from psychology, neuroscience, public health, and economics research (and much more). For much of this advisory, the lack of social connection was measured in terms of “loneliness” or “social isolation.” According to the Surgeon General, “approximately half of U.S. adults report experiencing loneliness, with some of the highest rates among young adults.”

Many parents seeking addiction treatment for their child reference this sense of isolation or loneliness in men. Some families mention that their son always felt like “an outsider.” Others share that the friendships of their once social son whittled away after high school. This overwhelming sense of loneliness can fuel substance use and contribute to feelings of depression. For some, drinking and using feels like the only part of life that encourages connection with others. 

What IS loneliness?

NPR released an article called “Americans are a Lonely Lot, and Young People Bear the Heaviest Burden.” It includes a ton of research, from UCLA studies to a Cigna survey of over 20,000 people.  This article gives us a great definition of loneliness. “Loneliness isn’t just a fleeting feeling, leaving us sad for a few hours to a few days… for many people, loneliness is more like a chronic ache, affecting their daily lives and sense of well-being.”

Connection, Addiction and Friendship

In a conversation between Rich Roll & Simon Hill (you can watch it here), Rich makes a bold statement. He talks about the decline in friendships amongst men, suggesting an uptick in depression and mental health disorders may be related to the epidemic of loneliness.

He says, “We delude ourselves into thinking that we’re connected to other people because of our devices and scrolling… that is not a replacement for the actual connection.” 

An equally powerful conversation between Simon Sinek and Trevor Noah can be found here. They cover a variety of topics, but land on a conversation about the power of friendship. Simon shares that during his times of immense struggle, depression, or “rock bottom,” a friend has always been there to offer support.  Addiction research over the last few decades reveals that connection really can be an antidote for substance use disorders. 

A study often referred to as “rat park” investigated rats in isolation vs. rats in community. When we talk about loneliness in men, particularly as it relates to substance use, we see the value of this rat study. A great video covering the basics of the rat experience can be found on YouTube, but we’ll summarize quickly. In essence, rats in total isolation with no friends or outlets will over-consume water laced with drugs. But rats that are in community, with lots of toys and outlets in their rat park, will actually choose regular water over drug-laced water.  Researchers concluded from this and subsequent studies that community can be incredibly powerful for our overall health and self worth.

As men navigate early recovery, they can often feel that life is over. It’s hard to imagine how one connects with others without drinking or other substances. It’s even more challenging for people to imagine making friends, being vulnerable, or socializing. Though people are sometimes resistant to 12-Step Fellowships, they do offer community and camaraderie through shared experiences.

Technology’s Impact on Loneliness in Men

Across the lifespan, we see people sacrificing real connection for time spent scrolling. For many, appearing like they “have it all together” online is more appealing than actually getting it together. And for folks who are struggling with mental health, addiction and loneliness, this facade becomes increasingly isolating. We ruminate on thoughts of being a fraud. In 12-step work, we often uncover a fear of not being good enough, fear of being abandoned, or fear of being alone. At Surfside, we ask guys to look inward at their behavior. Do my actions contribute to my feelings of loneliness, or am I taking action that pulls me into the center of a loving herd?

Although there are areas where technology/phone use has improved connection, the surgeon general also explored the areas where it causes significant harm.  These include:

• Displacing our in-person engagement (why talk to you when I can look at my phone?)
• Monopolizes our attention
• Reduces the quality of our interactions (I might be sitting with you, but I’m staring at my phone the whole time)
• Diminishes self-esteem (I’m comparing myself to the highlight reel you’re presenting online)

For many people, the presence of a phone takes priority over other interactions. How many times have we said, “I’m listening!” while someone talks to us but we look at our phone. The epidemic of loneliness in men reveals that we want connection with others, but often sacrifice it for time with our phone. Here’s a dark bit of research: people who spend more time having face-to-face non-screen interactions are significantly less likely to be depressed or suicidal. Many of us may have “guessed” at this, but there’s now quite a bit of research to support this theory.

To combat feelings of loneliness in men, we utilize regularly planned activities. Daily. The activities vary from day-to-day, but participation in the activities offered is mandatory. We’ve found that when people are given the opportunity to do whatever they want, they tend to sit on their phone. With such staggering data about depression/suicidal ideation and screen time, we think it’s counterproductive for treatment programs to not encourage interpersonal connections through activities. 

What can we do to Counter Loneliness in Men?

A few of the videos linked above include people’s personal strategies to build and maintain healthy, in-person relationships with others. These non-romantic friendships are a powerful force, giving us purpose, authenticity, humor, and connection.  We find value in others and what we bring to the table in our relationships.

At Surfside, we know that the fellowship of a 12 Step community can be immensely powerful. It’s why we have such a focus on building a network and calling three men daily, just to check in. We don’t always have to talk about big feelings or deep, dark secrets. Sometimes, those check-in calls are just to ask someone else how their day is going.

We also know that 12 Step fellowships aren’t the only place to find connection. Sports, hobbies, and community service offer us a lighthearted way to connect with others. We look forward to our time on the basketball court or in the CrossFit gym, and we connect over a shared experience. Over time, we may start to connect over deeper shared experiences. It takes away much of the anxiety about getting to know others if we are doing something together.