Failure to Launch Programs – A Parent Guide

Failure to Launch Programs – A Parent Guide

Families searching for “Failure to Launch” programs are often encouraged to explore Surfside as an option for their son. As a nationally recognized mental health and addiction program, our framework serves this population well.  We’re in total agreement that using the term “failure” to describe someone’s struggle feels insensitive… but we hear this phrase almost daily when we speak with families.  This Parent Guide to “Failure to Launch” Programs will offer insight into who this category refers to, what may contribute to these challenges, and the tools we use in our Surfside approach.

Failure to Launch – Not Just for Young Adults!

We are often hesitant to use the phrase “failure to launch,” but it’s important that we use language that feels accurate for families in crisis. In fact, a lot of families find comfort knowing they are not alone. There are many folks who feel stumped by their inability to motivate or support their loved one as they navigate adulthood. 

So who falls into the “Failure to Launch” category? Based on our experience, this is a person who feels like they’ve fallen behind their peers. Many of the benchmarks that families expect to see in adulthood are missed. Initially we make excuses for their difficulties, hoping that they find the motivation to turn things around.  Struggling in college? Maybe the school was the wrong fit. Getting into legal trouble? Perhaps the friend group is a bad influence. Moved home, but can’t find a job? They’re filling out resumes on Indeed, they’ll have a job any day now! 

As the setbacks pile up, parents wonder if there’s a deeper issue. We’re here to offer some insight: there usually is. Parents may notice that the “dabbling” with substances is actually contributing to this sense of being lost in life. The more families pay attention, the more defeated they feel. How do you motivate someone who is both depressed and just skating by? This often applies to the 21 year old, but could also apply to someone in their 30s or 40s.

We also frequently see a second category here, where someone is capable of launching! But they aren’t capable of flying. They can get a great job, but can’t maintain it.  They lack the self-regulation and accountability necessary to find balance in all areas of their life, and eventually things come crashing down.  It’s not uncommon for a family to contact us about their son who got sober, got a great job, and that job consumed him. Instead of continuing to balance their recovery and healthy outlets, they became obsessed with work until stress and isolation created a toxic situation.

A Cycle of Shame and Resentment

A common theme amongst families seeking “Failure to Launch” programs is the strained dynamic in their home.  They desperately want their loved one to want their life to change.  The fact that he is stagnant contributes to their frustration – how can I make him want more out of life? Sometimes this lives alongside a desire to protect their loved one from discomfort. 

Here’s where the troubling cycle comes into play: You know this man is depressed/lonely/struggling in life, so you want to ease some of his difficulties. You take a ton of responsibility off his plate (ie: paying his bills/rent/mortgage, getting him a car, cooking his meals, tackling his legal issues, making his doctors appointments, etc.) in hopes that this will change his attitude. You then experience more frustration that he doesn’t take life by the horns, even though you’ve actually done that for him.

This is an example we see with many families: they ask their son to complete a chore or task, which doesn’t get done. They ask repeatedly, sometimes trying a different approach – being more direct, getting loud, or asking really nicely. Still nothing gets done. Eventually, the parent just does the task for them, because it’s actually faster/easier to do it yourself than depend on him. 

Now the cycle of shame and resentment ramps up. Your son/brother/loved one quietly feels ashamed that he can’t “man up” and change his life. Sometimes there’s embarrassment around a significant mental health diagnosis or substance misuse. He tells himself that he WILL change, he just needs time. When the people who house him and support him want to hold him accountable, he is resentful that he’s not seen as a self-sufficient adult. He has limited insight into his behaviors: he is not self-sufficient because he does not do the tasks that self-sufficient adults do. And unfortunately, people are rarely motivated to do hard things when they’ve learned that someone else will do it for them.

Families experience their own cycle of shame and resentment, asking if they’ve made a mistake in their parenting approach.  This is often followed by resentment that despite their own sacrifices and efforts, nothing changes. There’s a sense of isolation for everyone involved, especially as their friends celebrate the wins of their own children. They’re keenly aware that they are not hitting those age appropriate benchmarks, and everyone’s self-worth plummets.

Social Media and Constant Comparison

We don’t need to sell you on the toxic nature of social media across the spectrum. It truly attacks everyone’s self-worth. Families look at other people’s adult children and wonder where they went wrong.  Why can’t my son graduate college or get married? Men who have fallen behind their peers, regardless of age, look at the digital highlight reel and question their entire life.  They feel alone, and tell themselves that they’re a loser. We see this over and over again. 

Embracing and Trusting the Tools/Professionals

One of the most challenging aspects of Surfside’s program is not difficult for the residents – it’s tough for the families. We ask that you trust us.  

We carefully crafted a program that utilizes structure and accountability so men can thrive. We know that people often resist structure, but flourish when it’s implemented. In fact, many of the people we treat experienced a sense of stability in high school or playing a competitive sport, because it provided a daily routine. With us, they learn the power of waking up, getting dressed, and diving headfirst into the day. They’re shown that nobody is going to swoop in and complete a task for them: one can only experience self-esteem by doing esteemable acts. 

There’s a wealth of neuroscience research (you can read more about that HERE) that explains how we develop emotional regulation and impulse control. Simply put, doing difficult things strengthens this part of the brain. Avoiding difficult things? That weakens this part of the brain. Every time we want to jump in and ease our child’s discomfort by doing a task for them, we undermine their ability to change the way they think, feel and behave.  We need to remind ourselves that “one step at a time” applies to us too. To experience incredible joy and growth, we’ll need to change our own behavior and mindset.

We also know that action and accountability boost self-confidence. As men begin to demonstrate that they’re trustworthy and competent, they internalize those feelings.  And when you, the family, witness the change and develop more confidence in him, that self-confidence doubles. Some parents struggle with the thought that they may not be needed, but what if you could now experience a healthy, adult relationship instead of a tumultuous one? Instead of calling you to complain and have you resolve his issues, he can call you simply to ask how you’re doing. What a shift!

Overhauling the family system can be scary and emotional. We recommend that couples consider seeing a couple’s therapist who is well-versed in substance use disorders, as they are adept at navigating situations where not everyone is on the same page. We also encourage you to seek out family support groups – even if you attend virtually with your camera off at first. Hearing that you’re not alone on this journey is monumental. 

The Benefits of Neuropsych Testing

Maybe you’ve reached this point of the article and are screaming at the computer screen because you feel like we’ve missed something critical.  We talk to a ton of families who suspect that maybe there’s a misdiagnosis that’s been following their loved one since their teens. Maybe you’re wondering if there’s a cognitive issue, personality disorder, or if he’s on the spectrum. Maybe you received so much mixed information over the years that you literally don’t know up from down.

We believe that comprehensive neuropsychological testing can often provide insight that makes everyone say “AHA!”  Previous Surfside residents shared that learning they were neurodivergent felt like a weight was lifted, after feeling different or dumb (their words!) for half of their life. When we gain a deeper understanding into how someone learns, processes, or experiences the world, it helps us craft a more individualized approach.  Not everyone requires testing, and we certainly don’t mandate it, but we’ve found it to be enlightening for some folks. 

Have Patience – Change Takes Time

This part might be just as difficult for parents as trusting the Surfside process. When working with a “failure to launch” client, there’s often a sense that we’re losing time. Whether your son is 19 or 45, there can be an undercurrent of urgency – we want to get back on track NOW!  Sometimes there’s an upcoming semester that we want our son to return to, even though he failed his previous semester.

Let’s use a little construction metaphor here.  If we’re building our dream home, we want the concrete foundation to be set and dry before we start building. It’s a really bad investment to rush building the foundation, which will support the house through storms.  We might experience a little anxiety about the building timeline, but we know the end result will be worth it.  

Part of the Surfside process is ensuring that we can balance all the necessary parts of life as someone transitions to independence and self-sufficiency.  Anyone can hold their breath and stay clean for a few months – that’s not actually the goal. If we’re addressing a failure to launch, we want to ensure someone can launch AND continue to fly! Can someone create an independent living budget, then save towards their future goals?  Can someone find gainful employment, but still manage their recovery/mental health, remain compliant with medications, maintain relationships, be in service to others, and regularly participate in healthy hobbies? 

Letting Go so YOU Can Thrive

Here is the blessing in “Failure to Launch” Programs – you can begin to live a life that doesn’t revolve entirely around your adult son/family member. So often we let this family member hijack our entire family system without even noticing it.  When they’re doing well, we talk about how great things are, but hold our breath in case something changes. When they’re struggling, we let their issues consume us. We are so emotionally invested in “fixing” their discomfort that we don’t even recognize when we rob them of the opportunity to be autonomous. 

We believe the entire family system deserves to be happy, joyous and free, not just our resident at Surfside. This means taking a big leap of faith and embracing a new way of living for everyone involved.